Living Peace 15: Letters of Wars and Peace

I cannot remember to ever living in peace. I was born during the war in Lebanon to find myself as a Palestinian refugee whose country is under occupation. My father was a child when the Nakba happened in 1948 and Palestinians were forcibly leaving their homeland behind. My mother was born in a refugee camp in Lebanon after the Nakba. My father is from Jaffa and my mother is from Safad. Both spent their life waiting for the moment when they will be able to return to their hometowns in Palestine. After the Oslo agreement we returned to Palestine where we stayed in Gaza. Few years later my father passed away without returning to Jaffa. I grew up always pondering “Why are we living under occupation?” But I have never received an answer.

I decided to resist the occupation through my education. In my first year of university studies the second intifada started. Danger was always around, you didn’t know when and where will Israel attack Gaza. At that time there were still Israeli checkpoints inside Gaza. It was normal that we went to the university but our colleagues who lived in southern Gaza sometimes could not come because an Israeli soldier decided to close the checkpoint that day. After my graduation I decided to continue studying in order to receive my master’s degree but then the internal division between Gaza and the West Bank split the Palestine and Palestinians. We found ourselves living under the Israeli blockade in addition to the occupation which added even more restrictions to our life in Gaza. Restrictions were all-encompassing and a common joke running around at the time said that “we are lucky that Israeli occupation cannot control the air otherwise they would also put restrictions on our breathing”.

In December 2008, when the world was preparing for Xmas, I was at work and suddenly heavy F16 bombs started dropping everywhere: people were running, screaming, dead bodies were everywhere, and we didn’t know what had happened and why. It was the first massive Israeli aggression on Gaza where thousands of Palestinians were killed, injured and lost their houses, leaving all of us traumatized. It was my first time surviving phosphorus bombs attacks prohibited by the international law, it was also my first time leaving my place holding a white cloth trying to survive the Israeli ground invasion into my area. On our way out we saw death everywhere and a few days later a ceasefire was announced. I was experiencing trauma: how did this happen and again why?

I received my master’s degree and continued progressing in my career. I decided to join the humanitarian field to be able to do more for our Gaza. And then I met him, my man. We fell in love at the first sight and decided to get married. Like any other couple we arranged every single little detail for our wedding party and the honeymoon. Then another Israeli aggression started in November 2012 merely one day after our wedding party. Rather than starting our new life normally we found ourselves on duties as we both work in the humanitarian sector; he was a paramedic. Then, a ceasefire was announced.

In 2013, we welcomed our first child, a cute little girl but again a massive Israeli aggression started in summer of 2014. My daughter was 10 months old and it was my first time ever to feel what does it mean to be a helpless mother unable to protect my baby. I found myself working as an emergency responder performing my duties while holding our daughter in my arms and praying for my husband who was on duty as a paramedic to survive. We decided to evacuate our apartment after 50 days of indiscriminate bombing when Israeli occupation started to demolish high towers in our neighbourhoods. We were living on the 11^th floor. I found myself carrying my baby’s new clothes that I bought recently and my husband asked me why. I said with tears in my eyes: “I wanted her to wear them” Despite the fact that none of us can guarantee that she will even survive. A ceasefire was then announced exactly on her first birthday. I found myself crying like crazy because we managed to survive while thousands of children and mothers didn’t.

In 2015 we welcomed our second child, a cute baby boy. We continued living our lives and managed to develop our careers.

Then The Great March of Return started in March of 2018; thousands of Palestinians decided to peacefully demonstrate near the borders to ask for the right of return and to end the Israeli blockade and occupation. But Israel replied by shooting, thousands were killed, injured or they have lost their limbs. This continued for more than a year until December 2019. I found myself working ever more while my children were growing up. Our daily challenges multiplied due to the imposed blockade and occupation. Between each ceasefire there were constant Israeli attacks which killed more people and increasingly destroyed more of the infrastructure. Attacks were not reported by the western media.

In May 2021, another massive Israeli aggression. I really had the feeling that we will not survive this time. During one of the heavy nights, I was literally shaking, my two little children were with me and I couldn’t do anything. Then my brother said, “dear sister don’t worry, we will not hear the bomb that will kill us”. My husband was already in Slovenia at that time preparing for our reunification, but we both felt we will not meet again due to the indiscriminate bombing. I believe that no words can describe his feelings during that time. Then, a few days later, a ceasefire was announced. It was 2.00 am and have found myself crying; we have survived again.

We arrived in Slovenia in June 2021 carrying a big trauma. We thought that we will be able to finally live in peace. We were slowly adapting to our new life and then the genocide started in October 2023. Little did we know that we will experience the worst 15 months of our life and our peoples’ history. We realized that wherever we may go we will never feel (at) peace just because we are Palestinians. Palestinians in a hypocrite world.

If you ask me what can we do to live in peace, the answer is simple: End the Israeli occupation.